Ever wonder what playing DF in the "real" military would be like? Here's my take, hope it amuses.
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Reds Model) upon encountering a Red Enemy in the Area of Operations (AO)
1. Infantry: Reds smells them, leave area.
2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the Reds.
3. Armor: Runs over Reds, laughs, and looks for more Reds.
4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to Reds. Can't find Reds. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with Reds, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills Reds with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with Reds, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with Reds and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other Reds. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies Reds. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat Reds using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-Reds ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill Reds. Reds bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist Reds.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills Reds and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-Reds force projection.
11. Marine: Kills Reds by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows Reds, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides Reds elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds Reds in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save Reds' life.
15. Quartermaster: (NOTICE: Your anti-Reds equipment is on backorder.)
16. C-17 Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-Reds equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies Reds as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints Reds kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds Reds, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses Reds target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of Reds due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech Reds-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all Reds and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate Reds, Reds don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds Reds on fourth pass after Reds builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows Reds into fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on Reds, kills Reds and every other living thing within two miles of target.
22. Minute Man Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to Reds in 20seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Reds? What Reds? Only four of 35 indicators of Reds activity are currently active. We assess the potential for Reds activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Reds declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
25. Signal: Tries to communicate with Reds...fail repeated attempts. Complains that the Reds did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate. Signal Officer informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the Reds using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to video-conference with the Reds, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the Reds displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, #$%$, and takes credit. In the end, General Dynamics and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the 2 smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The Reds are forgotten.