I'll start it off
Me: u have a henway on ur knee
U: what's a henway??!
Me: about 3-4 pounds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Re-read it a couple times then you will understand it

[e]Sputnik wrote: Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Re-read it a couple times then you will understand it

six readings, still I dont get it
explain

So a dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Kptn Singh wrote:

[e]Sputnik wrote: Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Re-read it a couple times then you will understand it

six readings, still I dont get it
explain

What does a scale do when you stand on it? It goes from zero to....

Its common sence maybe he doesnt understand english. Or hes just a morron or he is a blonde teenager

Slenderman wrote:

Kptn Singh wrote:

[e]Sputnik wrote: Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Re-read it a couple times then you will understand it

six readings, still I dont get it
explain

What does a scale do when you stand on it? It goes from zero to....

I was being sarcastic. my bad, I left out the -_-

brocolir wrote: Its common sence maybe he doesnt understand english. Or hes just a morron or he is a blonde teenager

Woah, hey, brocolir! I didn't know you joined the forum!

Just for future posts, don't make insults or anything of the like. They might be taken seriously, especially if you aren't a friend.

For reference, here's a guide to the forums:

dogfightplay.com/index.php/forum-alias/2...orum-rules-etiquette

Welcome!

Kptn Singh wrote:

Slenderman wrote:

Kptn Singh wrote:

[e]Sputnik wrote: Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Re-read it a couple times then you will understand it

six readings, still I dont get it
explain

What does a scale do when you stand on it? It goes from zero to....

I was being sarcastic. my bad, I left out the -_-

Ah, well -- as I say. You can't read tone.

[e]Sputnik wrote: Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Re-read it a couple times then you will understand it

Man some one needs to stay away from Mc D's and a few other places. Or she is just really tall and muscular.

brocolir wrote: Its common sence maybe he doesnt understand english. Or hes just a morron or he is a blonde teenager

+ karma

Lol, good spirit, Kap.

Broccoli, let's be nice to Kap. He'll make one of his goats hunt you down, torture you, then slowlu kill it for curry infront of you.

Jokes.... Hmmm....

If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.

Ann and Joe are smelling roses.

A: OWW! This brose just bit me!

J: It's just a rose, Ann. There's no "b" in rose.

A: There was in this one!


Bob and Jim are two old friends, very old, and Bob is on his deathbed. As he lay dying there, Joe said to him:

J: Bob, we've both loved baseball all our lives. When you die, you have to find some way to tell me if there's baseball in Heaven.

And then Bob dies.

Three months later, Joe is sitting on his couch, watching the Giants play the Dodgers.

Jooooeeee..... Jooooeeee...

J: What? Who's there? Bob, is that you?

B: Yes Joe, it's me. I have good news, and I have bad news. Which do you want?

J: I want the good news first.

B: There's baseball in Heaven.

J: That's great! What could the bad news possibly be?

B: You're pitching on Thursday.

At first, sorry for my bad English... I'll try to translate a joke - if you don't understand, or if you see any incorrect translation here, please let me know...
And sorry for the long text - if I had a better English vocabulary, certainly this joke wouldn't be spoiled as it will be - feel free to rewrite it.

(and hope the joke is new to you - at least it is very unknown here in Brazil...

Here it goes (first, assume that this is happening during old 70's - when cabinet ("boots", maybe?) phone calls was done not with plastic cards, but with metal coins):

A blond girl was in vacations, and after days of traveling, she wanted to talk with her mom.
At the street, she asked a man how she could do it (talk to mom), and the man understood that she wanted to make a phone call, and so he told her to use the cabinets on the office located nearby (I mean a telephony company office, I don't know the correct English expression here).
She went to the office, and noticed dozens of unused cabinets, and only one officer at work (not too busy, by the way, since there was no one there, besides him and her). (Translation help needed: The man was not a police officer, just a phone company employee - help me here, my English really sucks!!!)
She asked to the man:
- Hey, mister, how can I talk with my mom?
He answered:
- Make use of any of these cabinets and make a call, of course!!!!
- How much does it cost?
- It depends on where your mom is...
- She lives in Australia...
- Well, so she's on the other side of the world!!!! It will be a little bit expensive...
And when he told her the price, she got shocked, and cried:
- Wow, it's way too expensive to me!! This way, I can't talk to mom!!!!
The officer stared at her (a very hot young blondie, by the way), thought a little, looked around and, seeing that the "way was clear" (no one nearby), he said, murmuring:
- I know a way for you to speak with your mom for free!!!
The girl's eyes popped, and she smiled:
- Really?? What do I need to do to speak with my mom?
- Come back here, just behind this door...
She followed him, and when she saw him standing on the center of the next room, she asked:
- Now what do I need to do?
He said:
- On your knees, in front of me...
She did it, looked at the man's face, and asked:
- Now what???
He pointed to his pant's buttons and said:
- Open it.
She looked at his pant's buttons, with a confused expression, but opened it.
- Now what do I need to do?
- Now take what is inside...
She put her hand inside the officer's pants, and pulled out his... his... You know what...
She stared at that thing on her hand, looked at the man's eyes, and asked:
- What now??????
The man, with a smile on his face, hands on his belt, just said:
- Go on, girl, do it! Do it!!!!
The girl brought the thing near to her mouth, took a breath and said:
- Hello, mom!?!? You wouldn't believe what I'm using to call you!!!!!!

LOL! That's a good joke, Ped.

Phone BOOTH. The word you want is booth. Or a payphone. A phone booth is what the telephone is in, the payphone is the actual phone,

Employee instead of officer, if he's not a cop (Policeman) or in the Military.

A telephone company office? I'd just phrase it like that.

Is that where you find payphones in Brasil? Only in the telephone company's office? We have them on street corners here.

CalvinIsAwesome wrote: Is that where you find payphones in Brasil? Only in the telephone company's office? We have them on street corners here.

Gosh!!!!
I see that some people still thinks that Brasil is a jungle, with only two or three big cities, carnival and soccer!!!! How sad...
Yes, we are the "3rd world", we have some serious problems down here... But we are a very good country to live! Now we are the 7th world's biggest economy - and the latest big world financial crysis didn't make any harm to us - instead, we grew up significantly in this period.
It was just to prevent questions like yours that I put that commentary on the beginning of the text (about imagining that the action takes place during old 70's)... It was a kind of premonition... hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

blonde joke

im allowed to make one since im a 'blonde teenagers'

so four blonde teenagers ditched school to goto disneyland

they drove on the freeway and when they got near disneyland they saw
a sign on the road that said 'disneyland left'

they all said

'aaaawwww thats too bad'

and drove back to school lol

Lol thnx slendy for explaining.

Guy says to the bartender " Hey you want to hear a good blonde joke?". Bartender Says" Hey look around half the people in here are blonde! Sure you want to tell that joke?" Guy says" Nah forget it I don't feel like repeating it 10 times."

A rocket scientist, a kid, and on old man (non mean) were on a plane

all of a sudden they heard the pilot announce engine trouble. The pilot also told them their were only two parachutes in the cabin before jumping out himself.

the scientist argued that he had several Phd's and ongoing experiments that could help society better itself. therefore hes more valuable and needs to live. saying this he jumped off the plane leaving the other two staring at each other in disbelief


the old man turned to the kid and said, look son, I have lived my life to the full. I have nothing more left to live for. I think you shold take the remaining parachute and jump to safety. I will go down the plane and will not be bitter.

The Kid looked at the old man puzzled

Why do you say that. We can both live
we have two parachutes.

"How" the old man replied

well, the scientist was in such a hurry to jump to safety that he grabbed my school backpack I had hanging on the wall before jumping off

Luna6 wrote: So a dyslexic man walks into a bra...

And?????
Lol

No, Ped, that's not what I meant. I know Brasil isn't a jungle. I was just curious, that's all.

Sput....

Hahaha!
Don't worry, Calvin, I was only exerciting the well-known brazilian "inferiority complex"...

[e]Sputnik wrote:

Luna6 wrote: So a dyslexic man walks into a bra...

And?????
A BRA is the type of hat you will wear as you clean my plane and give AGNES her sponge baths.

Why are you talking here? Don't you have cake to bake, 60 MOM planes, and a 350 lb., 98 yr. old tattoed lady to detail?

Pablo and Brassy were sitting in their rockers on the front porch and after a while Brassy gets up and throws Pablo rocker and all into the front yard.
After a while Pablo gets back on the porch and starts rocking again saying nothing. After a long while Pablo asks " What was that fer"?
Ten minutes later Brassy says " Fer being such a terrible lover all these years". After a while Pablo gets up and THROWS Brassy off the porch.
Much later after Brassy dusts herself off and gets back in her rocker she asks " Now what was that Fer"!

Pablo replies " Knowing the difference".

P.S. the Gardners name was BENT

3 men crash land in a jungle. The meet these tribesmen who say if u can find 10 of a fruit and put them in ur mouth well let u live. The first guy tries pears and he fits 3 in his mouth so they kill him. The second guy chooses grapes and he fits 10 in his mouth. He then starts to cough and he loses all the grapes, so the men kill him.

The 2 men r in heaven and the first one says to the second" why didn't u just swallow the grapes they would have let u live?"
The second man says " I tried but I couldn't keep in a laugh." 1: " why did u laugh?" 2: " I saw the third guy try to fit watermellons in his mouth!" 3: " hay guys you'll never believe it I couldn't fit a watermellons in my mouth!!!"

So a man walks into a bar;














and his drinking addiction tears his family apart.

That one sounds farmiliar.

What's black and white and red all over?

Haha nice one SPutnik
...I have jokes, but too many youngins' on the forum so I won't post.
PM ME if you want to hear a funny DIRTY joke

CalvinIsAwesome wrote: What's black and white and red all over?

1. Newspaper
2. Polar bear with infected tattoo
3. Penguin in a blender