Happy Independence Day. The most American day of the year. The day of fireworks, boating, grill-outs, family, festivity, and freedom.
But let us not forget the purpose of this day. Let's honour the brave men who gave their lives fighting for freedom. Who are responsible for America not drinking tea all the time. So today, I will be taking us through a reverential historical overview of the War for our Freedom.
It began in 1771, when George Washington was arrested for illegally chopping down British cherry trees. In jail, all he had to drink was tea, and his thirst for independence began.
He managed to escape with the help of Chuck Norris, and together, they began to plan an American bid for freedom.
At first, support from the people was slow in coming. Then, when the British supply ships were stalled in crossing the ocean, the Americans had to turn to the Indians for help getting food. This was the first Thanksgiving.
The last straw came when British apologized for nearly starving a nation by bringing a ton of tea for them to drink. While men dressed as Natives poured the tea off the ships, Chuck Norris bit massive holes in the bottom of the ships, permanently damaging them.
The British were outraged my this disrespect of tea, and declared open war on America. They almost overwhelmed them immediately, but luckily, Abraham Lincoln rose on Chuck Norris's back through Boston, alerting the people. Unfortunately, Chuck Norris ran so fast, the two of them were flung fourscore and seven years into the future.
By now it was 1776. On July fourth (that's today,) the first official picnic was held, and the Declaration of Independence was written and signed. The last person to sign it was Benjamin Franklin, who had to run down to the river and wash his hands, because he had gotten them greasy, eating the world's first cheeseburger with American cheese.
The winter of 1776 was hard. It was made even harder by the fact that the Canadians would silently sneak up on the American camp and challenge them to pickup hockey games. Between the cold weather, the hockey games, and the lack of Chuck Norris to melt the snow by glaring at it, the American army almost gave out. The only reason they weren't obliterated was because the British ran out of tea, halfway through the winter.
Finally, with the winter over, the battle was finally joined in earnest. The Americans adopted a slightly guerilla type of attack, while the British were prepared for full frontal war. Finally, the two armies met at the Delaware for the final showdown.
Benjamin Franklin had an idea. He chtallenged the entire British army to a massive kite flying contest. The only rule? Participants had to stand in the river. Lightning struck, and the Americans were blessed with victory. king George recognized American freedom in 1779.

To this day, we stand for all of the principles laid forth in this history. Check it out. Look it up. It's all true.

God Bless America

Well said Mac



From sea to shining sea, happy 4th!