A warthog hits this lady and the husband calls 911.

The operator asks, "Where are you at"?

The husband replies, "I'm on Eucolipstic Road."

The operator asks, "Can you spell that for me?"

"Well... I'll just drag her over to Oak so you can you pick her up there?"

Can you tell?





Well can you?

I see I could get a dogfight vacation real soon in here. I'm a trucker, so I'm not allowed to know any clean or non offensive jokes. Great thread, great jokes guys.

One day two little stubborn boys were walking along the Norfolk Southern railroad tracks. To their surprise they saw a GP-9 loaded up with oil tankers. The first little boy shot the last tanker with a BB gun. The cars exploded in a chain reaction. Just before that the second little boy asked his friend how to make time fly. When the explosion reached the locomotive the clock in the cab flew out and hit the 1st boy in the face. The second little boy said. Blow the clock out of a train. R.I.P first little boy. Here's a lesson kids. Don't walk on the railroad tracks or a clock could hit you in the face too.

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A shaggy dog story.....

It's midwinter on Dartmoor, the bleak landscape is shrouded in gales and deep snow. Behind a bolted old door and by an open fire sits the Inn keeper of The Jolly Roger. At this time of year, no one ventures out accross the moor, to this blot on the landscape, not even the village idiot.

One particularly harsh night, whilst stoking the fire and fiddling the books, he hears to his astonishment a tap tap tap at the door. Is that someone out there? He goes to the door and tugs it open. A huge snow drift collapses into the room and with it a rabbit!

Please, help me, gasps the bunny. The inn keeper wrestles the heavy door back shut and stares at the rabbit in disbelief. You look just like me! he exclaimed, but without the antler look. Please, I have been wondering lost for days in the storm with no food, can you kindly afford me some scraps?

The inn keeper scratched his head to think. I'm sorry he said. Everything is shut down here for the winter. My kitchens are bare, I hardly even have a sky tv reception. Let me go see what I can find for you. The rabbit sat by the fire, chewed a little on the garishly patterned carpet and waited.

The keeper returned with a sandwich. It's not much, just some tomato and onion, but I toasted it for you. Thank you kindly said the rabbit, now I can continue my way.

A week later there is another tap tap tap on the door. Sure enough the bunny was back for more, along with the drifting snow that poured back in. Please, sorry to ask twice but I have found nothing else to chomp on, can you help? The keeper manages to rustle up a Worcester sauce flavour crisps sandwich with peas. They sat and chatted through the night, sharing tales and scoffing toasties. The rabbit went on and on.

Another week passed and again the rabbit paid a shivering visit. This time the landlord could only find a piece of dry broccoli and a dog biscuit to make a toasted sandwich with. The bunny polished it off. Thanks again, it's real tough out there, you have saved my life many times. The rabbit left, back into the howling night.

A week passed, a month passed, nothing. No tap tap tap at the door. The inn keeper wondered how his little friend was getting on, spring was just around the corner. Another month and still nothing. A whole year turned without another visit, then one night, on the anniversary there was a feint tap tap on the door. The rabbit! thought the landlord and swung open the door to a face full of snow. There hovering was the ghost of his pal. What happened? Asked the astonished keep, did the cold finally get you?

No said the bunny, I got had by mixing-me-toasties.

later one day, an older man drove out of a car dealership with his new shelby mustang convertible. hood down, he pulled onto the highway and started towards home. feeling younger as the wind went through his hair, he revved up the cars engine, going 70, 75, 80, and finally pushing 90. laughing out loud, his enjoyment stopped as he saw a state trooper pulling up behind him, lights flashing. hesitantly pulling over to the side of the road, the officer walked up and said, "listen, its late in my shift and im about to go home. if you can give me one good reason why you were speeding, I'll let you go."
thinking for a moment, the old man responded, "15 years ago my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
smiling and tipping his hat, the officer said, "good day sir", and walked back to his car.

From an unknown Developer waiting in a very long update queue: "I'm bored!" Update Control: "Last Developer communicating, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown Developer: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"

I appologize in advance, for the following:
1.     I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.    It's syncing now.
2.     When chemists die,   they barium.
3.     Jokes about German sausage  are the wurst.
4.     I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.     He says he can stop any time
.5.     How does Moses make his tea?      Hebrews it
.6.     I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.     Then it dawned on me.
7.     This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
8.     I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.      I just can't put it down.
9.     I did a theatrical performance about puns.      It was a play on words.
10.   They told me I had type-A blood,     but it was a Type-O.
11.  Why were the native Americans here first?      They had reservations.
12.   We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.    I hope there's no pop quiz
.13.   I didn't like my beard at first.         Then it grew on me.
14.  Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job    because she couldn't control her pupils?
15.     When you get a bladder infection    urine trouble.
16.     Broken pencils   are pointless.
17.     I tried to catch some fog,    but I mist.
18.     What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?        A thesaurus.
19.   England has no kidney bank,       but it does have a Liverpool .
20.    I used to be a banker,      but then I lost interest
.21.    I dropped out of communism class    because of lousy Marx.
22.   All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.         The police have nothing to go on.
23.   I got a job at a bakery because    I kneaded dough.
24.   Haunted French pancakes      give me the crêpes.
25.     Velcro  —  what a rip off!
26.     A cartoonist was found dead in his home.         Details are sketchy.
27.    Venison for dinner again?           Oh deer!

Black Flag wrote: I appologize in advance, for the following:
1.     I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.    It's syncing now.
2.     When chemists die,   they barium.
3.     Jokes about German sausage  are the wurst.
4.     I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.     He says he can stop any time
.5.     How does Moses make his tea?      Hebrews it
.6.     I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.     Then it dawned on me.
7.     This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
8.     I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.      I just can't put it down.
9.     I did a theatrical performance about puns.      It was a play on words.
10.   They told me I had type-A blood,     but it was a Type-O.
11.  Why were the native Americans here first?      They had reservations.
12.   We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.    I hope there's no pop quiz
.13.   I didn't like my beard at first.         Then it grew on me.
14.  Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job    because she couldn't control her pupils?
15.     When you get a bladder infection    urine trouble.
16.     Broken pencils   are pointless.
17.     I tried to catch some fog,    but I mist.
18.     What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?        A thesaurus.
19.   England has no kidney bank,       but it does have a Liverpool .
20.    I used to be a banker,      but then I lost interest
.21.    I dropped out of communism class    because of lousy Marx.
22.   All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.         The police have nothing to go on.
23.   I got a job at a bakery because    I kneaded dough.
24.   Haunted French pancakes      give me the crêpes.
25.     Velcro  —  what a rip off!
26.     A cartoonist was found dead in his home.         Details are sketchy.
27.    Venison for dinner again?           Oh deer!

Oh my!!!!!!!!! Lololololol!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love it!!!!!

Does a bear.................?


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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?


You look for Fresh Prints.

Where are my 90's people?