Hey everyone, I want to start a thread about jokes... I would like anyone who has a funny joke to come here. II do not care if it is a Yo Mama, Knock Knock joke, or any kind You want to tell, but try to keep it appropriate for younger members I will start off with a simple knock knock

A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up. Little Mary declares, "I want to be a prostitute." "What did you say?" asks the nun, totally shocked. "I said I want to be a prostitute," Mary repeats. "Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'"

Good one. I'm a fan of will rogers an old time humorist and part Oklahoma Cherokee like me. He quoted a good one " When the Okies left and moved to California, it raised the IQ of both states" lol.

I'll try to keep this age appropriate...

Texan and Okie standing on the Red River bridge. Texan decides to relieve himself and tells the Okie, "Watch it, the water's cold!" The Okie deciding to follow suit tells the Texan, "It's deep too."

On a sad note, did you hear the University of Texas library burned down? Both books are gone, and one hadn't even been colored in yet...

Roflmao. Had to wipe tears on that one. Book hadn't been colored yet.

Wow guys... Good jokes... Did You hear about the circus fire? It was intense!

An Irishman, a Mexican and an Oklahoman were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican! opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The Okie opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The Oklahoman opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Okies wife. The wife said, "Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch."__________________

From the previous joke thread...

SnidleyWhiplash wrote: Jesus, Moses and an old man go out to play golf. the first hole is a par 3 over water. Jesus tees off right into the water, but he calmly walks on top of the water up to his ball and chips up onto the green. Moses tees off into the water also but raises his hands, parts the water and chips up onto the green. The old man steps up and plop right in the water but they hear an eagle cry from above and the eagle swoops down and grabs a fish from the water that has the ball in his mouth. The eagle circles the hole, shakes the fish and the ball lands in the hole! Jesus turns to the old man and says, "C'mon Dad stop screwing around and play golf!"

SnidleyWhiplash wrote: So on the first day that it snows, Mickey Mouse wakes up, looks out his window, and sees "MICKEY SUCKS" written in the snow in pee. He immediately calls the cops. After thorough investigation, the cops come to Mickey and say "we have bad news and worse news... the bad news is it's Goofy's urine, the worse news is it's Minnie's handwriting."

The rest of that thread is here:

dogfightplay.com/index.php/forum/2-gossi...officail-joke-thread

And Sputnik says there is another joke thread but I couldn't find it...

Ok thats it. I gotta stop reading these jokes. People in starbucks are giveing me looks when I lol.

Guy and his priest go for a round of golf. Every time the guy flubs a shot he exclaims,"Shit, missed again!" After several holes of this type behavior, the priest says, " Look, I don't think the Lord looks kindly on that kind of swearing." The guy keeps it up anyway. Finally, at the 18th tee, he muffs another shot and swears again. A lightening bolt comes down from the heavens... and hits the priest. From the sky comes this sad voice, "Shit, missed again!"

Many great old Lewis Grizzard jokes that deserve to stay alive:

A reverend decides to fire up his flock during Sunday sermon. "We all need to find forgiveness by confessing first to our sins. Tell it all, my brethren!" A guy in the back stands up. "I am a sinner. I drink every night and carouse with loose women." The reverend shouts, "Tell it all, brother!" A lady in the second pew stands and says, "I have been unfaithful to my husband." The reverend shouts, "Tell it all, sister!" A guy at the very back stands and says, "I must confess, I have made love to a goat." The reverend says,"Damn brother, I don't think I'd a told that."

An elderly man goes into the confessional and tells the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven grandchildren.
Last night I had an affair and made love to two eighteen year old girls. I did it twice with each of them!"

The priest replies, "Well my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So why are you telling me?" Asks the priest.

"Are you kidding," exclaims the old man, "I'm telling everybody!"

More Lewis Grizzard:

What do you get when you cross a pig with a Florida graduate?
Nothing. Some things a pig just won't do...

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bull-frog. They say it's been trained to give fellatio!"
"Fellatio", the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more fellatio for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing?" she asked.
The husband replied,
"If I can teach this frog to cook, your outta here!"

For you falcons out there...

Kinky sex involves duck feathers...
Perverted sex involves the whole duck.

(more Lewis G)

A seasoned pilot is training a over-eager new rookie co pilot and lets him make the final approach.


Pilot: "It's all yours. Remember your training, Sound off and bring it in nice and smooth."

Co pilot: "Roger that. All clear. No wind. Bringing it down to 500'"

Pilot: "Um, doesn't the runway look a little short to you?"

Co pilot: "Roger that. Flaps to 15deg, throttle to 2500rpm, descending to 200'."

Pilot: "It looks really, really short to me..."

Co pilot: "Roger. Flaps to 25deg, throttle to 1500rpm, descending to 50'."

Pilot: "There's no way you're gonna make it! Abort!"

Co pilot: "Negative! I've got this! Flaps to 45deg! Throttle off! Nose up!"

Pilot: "You idiot! Were gonna die!"


Somehow the co pilot pulls off a perfect stall landing and the plane only rolls a few feet before coming to a complete stop at the edge of the tarmac. They sit there for a minute as they review their lives which have just flashed before their eyes.


Co pilot: "That is the shortest runway I've ever seen!"

Pilot; "Yea, but it sure is wide."

Now thats a pilot. I actually used to land just like that when I first started playing Dogfight. The only skills you need are panic, over control, and huge pair of ball bearings.

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Korean, a Chinese and a Japanese Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Korean samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number two samurai, show me what you can do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three samurai?"

Number three samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead!"

"Dead is easy," replied the Japanese Samurai. "That fly will never reproduce again!"

I have to explain that a newfie in Canada is someone from Newfoundland province and probably the best people you will meet in your life, anyway they also happen to be the butt of many of our jokes like "How many newfies does it take to screw in a light bulb?" "5...1 to stand on the stool to hold the light bulb and 4 to turn the stool around"

So with that being said...may be inappropriate so please delete if it is...


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SnidleyWhiplash wrote: I have to explain that a newfie in Canada is someone from Newfoundland province and probably the best people you will meet in your life, anyway they also happen to be the butt of many of our jokes like "How many newfies does it take to screw in a light bulb?" "5...1 to stand on the stool to hold the light bulb and 4 to turn the stool around"

So with that being said...may be inappropriate so please delete if it is...


Part of the message is hidden for the guests. Please log in or register to see it.

Know what... I really do not care about if it is inappropriate, I just want people on here to tell jokes and make others laugh...

The 3rd grade teacher told her class today we'll have a test to see who goes home now at noon and who stays till 3. 1st question, where is the rio grand river? little johnny knowing the answer as thats where his dad takes him fishing shoots up his hand, thinking im going home early, The Teacher see's him but not knowing what will come outta johnnys potty month looks around and say Mary, can you tell us where the rio grand river is? yes its in Texas. very good Mary you can go home and we'll see you Monday. 2nd question, whats the Capital of Texas? again Litle Johnny's hand shoots up. Oh yes he knows this one thats where grand pal lives. again the teacher looks around and says Rosendo, do you know where the capital of Texas is? yes its in Austin, thats right we will see you monday. Now little johnnys about had it with not getting picked and was hell bent that he's going home to, so the teacher says the next question will be a Famous person question and ill write it on the black broad. at which Johnny about to wet himself blurts out. What i wanta know is where all these dam Mexicans came from??? The teacher shocked at this spins on her heels and says WHO SAID THAT???? The class fell silent... Then Little Johnny stood up and said Davy Crockett at the Alamo and ill see you Monday...